Awake Again With Old Pics

I have a headache, and pain in my left side (tummy)..so I am awake. Since I couldn't sleep I decided to look at old pictures and I found these. This was one of the first times Donovan came to visit me in the hospital days after my transplant. Funny how this brings everything back. My cheeks are red because of the anti rejection meds. They were like crack. Ok, I have never had crack but that is the best way I can explain the way I felt. I was super hot and jittery. I hated the way it made me feel. I was always freezing, so I was really worried something was wrong, but I was repeatedly told that it was the medication. After all the surgeries I have had, the easiest way to get through the first couple of days was to sleep as much as possible. I think it was the drug Prograff that made this impossible. When you are taking 35+ pills a day it is hard to pick one, but that is the one the Drs kept mentioning in relation to the crack like side effects. I couldn't sleep at all. I had a fan on high and no blankets. It was crazy.

Looking at the pictures, I feel for my son. I can't imagine what was going through his head. I know he still has nightmares about me being in the hospital. I was never away from him before the trasplant more than a day or 2, and I didn't want him to see me right after my transplant. Hospitals can be so scary to anyone, let alone a 3 year old. Notice he is eating the bread from my hospital food. I think I just ate the soup the first week or so.

I am dealing with my first Christmas season without my father. Knowing that he was there for my transplant makes it seem like it was so long ago. I still can't believe he isn't here now.

I have so much to do for the holidays and can't get the energy to do it. Having a small child is really a gift. You can't just pretend the holiday doesn't exsist. I have to go on. Santa has to come...rain or shine..dad or no dad. Between the constant pain in my stomach and the cold I haven't been able to get rid of for weeks it has been so difficult. I am trying to stay on top of the small things, but I am overwhelmed. The fact that the Dr doesn't see a fix to my pain has really put a damper on things for me. I am overwhelmed by the thought of a long future like this. I try to write myself a to do list and cross off as many things as I can, but these days I am lucky to get done more than a couple.

I am off to try to sleep again..without pain meds. Hope you like the pics.

Cath