Tummy Trauma

I write an update every night in my head, but I just never know what to put down on paper (or computer screen). There is so much to say and it all just overwhelms me.

I sit in bed in the middle of the afternoon...because I hurt. I hurt a lot these days and I am paralyzed on how to deal with it. I spent 9 months working with a trainer. "Building my core" and working to make my lower stomach muscles strong to rehab the stomach area where all the surgeries were. I saw great improvements in myself. I was squating and lifting and feeling like life would be back to normal one day. But, every time I tried to do anything that involved stomach muscles, I would hurt myself and take a huge step backwards. It hurts to roll over in bed. It hurts to stand up or sit down. I just don't know if it will ever be better. I finally decided to go to the surgeon. My pain is where my hernia was, and there is mesh covering the hernia. I could actually feel it moving inside me. It is so painful. It sits on my hip bone. If I rotate my body, it feels like the hernia is pulling all the way to my belly button. After days in bed on vicodin I finally talked to the transplant team in San Francisco. They thought my hernia may have popped out of the mesh and sent me to a local surgeon to see what to do.

I had a cat scan and had hope that this would lead to the surgery that would end my pain. The results were devastating. The hernia is still under the mesh and the pain may be permanent. The multiple surgeries have left nerve damage and scar tissue. The dr went on to say that he never expects to be Brad Pitt, and I should just walk. He doesn't do sit ups, so I should be fine. I just wanted to cry. It is like he has no understanding of what your core does. It hurts to lay down. It hurts to get up. It hurts to cough. It hurts to laugh. How does that have anything to do with vanity.

Little things that I do through out the day cause shooting pains (nerve pain I believe) and really uncomfortable "twinges". On days like today, being anywhere but in the bath/shower or bed seem so difficult. I dream of the warmth of the bath, or the comfort of a heating pad as the heat dulls the pain. I just can not accept this as a long term answer.

I have seen people in much worse positions move on to live normal lives and that is what I am demanding. I want to swim, and be able to do flip turns. I want to dance again. I want to ski and go tubing in the snow. I am tired of living in a way where I am in constant pain, or fear that any movement will lead to more pain. I refuse.

So now I must decide how to move forward. I must find a doctor who will listen and find a solution. I am willing to do anything. I have heard everything from physical therapy to nerve shots. I just am in so much pain I can't think straight. I just don't have the energy to fight right now. I am making small lists and trying my best to move forward, but it is so hard.

I still have my battle with social security, Sackett & Associates, and Assurant (long term disability). All of these are time sensitive and so important. But right now, my focus has to be my pain.

The other day there was a news story about an athlete who had stomach surgery to remove scar tissue. He was saying it helped his pain so much. I continue to ask questions and fight. I never thought I would be the side-lined parent watching while the kids skiied, swam, or just lived. I accepted the fact that I had to be that for a while, but I now want to live again. I just have no idea on how

So for now, I am off to shower..trying to numb the pain without reaching for pain meds AGAIN. I really hope to get a "walk" in today, but it isn't looking good.

More soon.
Cath